June 10, 2025, 9:06 am | Read time: 6 minutes
Sex, love, infatuation—while these are naturally linked for many, they remain foreign to some. Asexuality does not mean emotional coldness; rather, it represents a different form of self-perception. Those who are asexual can still love, enjoy closeness—and have fulfilling relationships.
About one percent of people in Germany are asexual. Asexuality is diverse but often misunderstood. What those affected experience, how they love—and why education is important.
Overview
What Asexuality Can Feel Like
Evelyne Aschwanden waited a long time—for infatuation, sexual attraction, for that one overwhelming feeling. She looked within herself, searching for butterflies in her stomach. But there was nothing.
“What’s wrong with me?” she asked herself when she saw her school friends starting their first romantic relationships, falling in love, completely swept away.
She found it exaggerated—but wanted to belong. So she got involved with a boy. “We were 15 years old,” she says. “He was in love with me.” Her friends pushed her into the relationship. “I thought he was great,” Evelyne Aschwanden recalls. “But that feeling didn’t come from deep within.” When she realized she couldn’t give him what he wanted, she broke up—and felt liberated.
She went on a few dates afterward, but a steady relationship never materialized. Aschwanden has never tried sex. She doesn’t miss it, she says. “My aversion to sex and romance is a deeply rooted feeling. It’s part of me.” Evelyne Aschwanden is asexual and aromantic.
Asexuality Is Associated with Many Prejudices
Asexuality—a topic laden with prejudices. “You just need to meet the right person,” “That’s a disorder, get treated,” and “You’re just frustrated and can’t find a partner”—these are comments Evelyne Aschwanden finds on her Instagram account, where she openly shares her story. “None of that is true,” she says.
There Is No Universal Definition
Asexuality is mostly understood as a sexual orientation. It describes people who feel little or no sexual attraction to others. However, individual experiences can vary greatly.
“Some people are repelled by intercourse but enjoy cuddling or kissing,” says Irina Brüning, board member of the association AktivistA. “Some satisfy themselves or are indifferent to the topic of sex.” What they all have in common is that intercourse is not necessary for them to express love.
There is no uniform definition of asexuality, says Brüning. She describes asexuality as “sexual orientation towards nothing.” Two descriptions have become established: “Many say they feel no sexual attraction to others,” Brüning says. “Others prefer to express it as having no desire for sexual interaction.”
Asexual or Just Uninterested?
Sexuality is constantly present in public—in movies, conversations, and on social media. But not everyone can relate to it. Those who never feel sexual desire might wonder: Is this asexuality—or just a phase?
Psychologist Robert Coordes explains that asexuality can be recognized by the absence of sexual desire, fantasies, or daydreams in this direction. The word “a-sexual” literally means “without sexuality.” Asexuality is predominantly understood as a sexual orientation—not a disorder, as long as there is no distress.
In contrast, lack of interest can be temporary—due to stress, crises, or health issues. Asexual people, however, feel little or no sexual attraction permanently—regardless of external factors. This distinguishes asexuality from temporary disinterest. Coordes also emphasizes that asexual people can desire closeness and have loving, romantic relationships.
Asexuality Is Not a Disorder
But where does the sexual disinterest in others come from? There is no explanation for it, says Prof. Johannes Fuß, director at the Institute for Forensic Psychiatry and Sexual Research at the University of Duisburg-Essen.
However, it is important to note that asexuality is not a disorder and does not require treatment. “Asexual people usually do not experience distress due to their orientation. And where there is no distress, we do not need to treat,” says the psychiatrist and psychotherapist. The disorder is more likely in the environment, which often knows too little about asexuality and frequently stigmatizes or pressures those affected.
Exchange with Other Asexual People Is Important
About one percent of Germans are estimated to belong to the asexual spectrum—correspondingly low is the level of awareness, says Irina Brüning from the association AktivistA. She wishes for more visibility so that young people can find explanations and connect with other asexual people.
Advice and exchange can be found in the WhatsApp-based community “Ameisenbären–Community for the Asexual and Aromantic Spectrum.” It can be accessed via the associated Facebook page of the same name. Aspec*german is also a contact point for those interested, as is the association AktivistA.
Talk More About Desire and Lack of Desire
“With appropriate sexual education, we could make it easier for young people to find themselves,” says Johannes Fuß. One possibility is to talk about desire and lack of desire in sex education classes.
Asexuality in a Relationship
A relationship without sex can naturally also present challenges, says Irina Brüning from the association AktivistA. “If one wants and the other doesn’t, you have to find ways.” Many asexual people who are romantically inclined often find compromises within their relationship. Or: They seek out an equally asexual but romantic partner from the start.
Coordes emphasizes that asexuality does not mean an inability to have relationships. Many people who have no interest in sex lead—as mentioned before—very loving, stable, and committed partnerships. If both partners have similar needs, it is usually unproblematic.
Open Communication Is Important
It becomes more difficult when views on sexuality diverge. Then, open communication and negotiation are necessary—without pressure or blame. Alternative forms of intimacy, consciously agreed-upon closeness, or alternative relationship models can also help.
Fundamentally, a relationship does not have to fail just because sexual attraction is different. But it requires openness, communication—and the willingness of both to find viable solutions.
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Asexuality and Family Planning
Family planning—this is also a topic that mainly asexual women are repeatedly confronted with, says Irina Brüning. “Just because people don’t feel sexually attracted to others doesn’t mean they can’t start a family.” This is the case, for example, with asexual people who are in a relationship and have sex for the purpose of family planning.
*With material from dpa